I'm all grown up this time.

Breath in.


Breath out.


I was wrong. There is no escape.

Remember, those few of you who have been following me; remember what I said earlier? About leaving, and getting away? I really thought, with the whole hearted and earnest, stupid naivety of a child that I could actually do that, that I could escape from Him and slip away from His sight - Stupid, stupid. All I've succeeded in doing is amusing Him further, all I've succeeded is giving Him more of a reason to want to break me - No. I'm already broken, I think. He's already won me over, in a sort of twisted, cruel sense full of depravity - I'm not myself anymore. I don't think I ever will be.

I apologize, everyone.

It's been almost a week (five days, to be exact; because I've been counting each painstaking minute and painstaking hour) since I last posted an update to my conundrums - the last you heard from me I was on the verge of escaping, sort of. I was moving (and I still am, because this place may not be any safer than the place I'm moving to, but the fact of the matter is that this has escalated, escalated and escalated and I cannot allow myself even a moment of reprieve anymore. Why? Because it's a lie.

But you already knew that.

There's been... Something disturbing happening.
And when I say disturbing, I mean disturbing in the physical sense. Disturbing, because I'm fairly certain I'm not alone. I mean, I know I'm not - He's always there, watching and waiting.




















I just want to be alone again.

It's okay if you want out.

Finally.

It's taken me a few days to manage - attempt, actually, because I'll never manage to do something as impossible as organizing my thoughts, but that's besides the point.

It's taken me a few days to attempt to manage my thoughts. I haven't had much time between the bouts of frenzied, sporadic packing (and by packing I mean the shoving of articles of clothing and precious items into a large bag haphazardly) and the nervous, desperate search for a new domicile to actually sit down and make a half-decent update - it doesn't help that I've begun to ache and bruise in the oddest of places; all the endless, violent bursts of coughing garnering me stares of a curious but ultimately unhelpful nature. The dreams are easier (and I use the term lightly) to bear, but that doesn't stop me from waking up and sobbing into my hands when I realize I'm not dead yet, and there's a mess that needs to be cleaned up between my legs.

But...

I think I've found a place. I'm risking it, jinxing it even by writing about it in the open; but I think this is a good move. This is a very good move. I haven't seen Him all day (I haven't seen even a whisper of Him in two days, actually. I wonder if I should be worried by this, or if I should just enjoy it. Maybe He's grown tired of me? Found me trite and boring?), and aside from the knee-jerk doe-eyed look I get whenever I cross a window or leave the light, everything's... Everything's been alright.


I wonder if this is a good thing.




















We'll see.

I don't deal with stress well.

It's cold.

Much, much too cold.




















I'm too cold.

I don't know what they mean yet.

Things have been acting up, sort of.


It's a little bit complicated, and explaining it would be something I'm in no state of mind to do right now - I thought I was getting used to it - to Him. Silly rabbit, you never become accustomed to being tortured, you only develop a higher tolerance for the pain. And that's exactly what's happened, only... It doesn't seem like something that will be much help in practicality for much longer.

I need to get out. This place, it isn't safe anymore. ...But, I wonder where I could possibly run away to, somewhere where He won't find me, even for just a moment - I don't think such a place exists, but I'll entertain the notion for even just a moment, because I can say with the sort of clarity you only get after waking from a particularly long slumber that feels more like an extended unconsciousness that yes: I am losing my mind.

So I have to get out. I'll make my move in the next few days - I hate to stay here any longer, but this is something I need to plan out, something I need to be certain is my best and best and best option - I have to go, I can't stay here; it isn't safe, this place has become to corrupted -

I don't know where I'll go.




















I don't know where I'll go.